Pam Parish

Journey to Sierra Leone: Day 5 - Part 1

Posted on 24 January 2009 | Comments (0)
Tags: Christianity, Inspiration

I must first admit that Day 5 has been the day that I’ve dreaded writing about from the beginning. Not because anything extremely terrible happened to me personally on this particular Wednesday in Sierra Leone; but rather because something terrible is happening everyday to the people that I encountered this day. I’ve never felt so powerless or heartbroken in my entire life as I did on this Wednesday whose images will sadden me the rest of my life. Never have I witnessed such great, great sadness accompanied by such shining examples of hopefulness and perseverance. The wide range of emotions, sights, sounds and smells have not left me and I’m still not sure, as I write, how I will be able to articulate it all in this meager blog entry. All trepidation aside, here I go…

The morning dawned as all others – early! As we all gathered for our morning devotions, I remember thinking that I would probably never be the same after today. After worship, Craig led our devotions with an admonition to allow God to shape us and not to put him in a box. Looking back on this now, I can see how that would hold true for me over the coming hours. As my experience unfolded in the next few hours I was left with no other recourse than to take God out of my carefully constructed American box and see Him for who He is - a God of hope in the midst of sorrow, a God of comfort in the midst of pain and a God who is faithful even when all hope seems lost.

After breakfast, we loaded up into the vehicles, our documentary team riding separately from the rest of the team who were headed back into Grafton for another day at the Medical Clinic & Children’s outreach. Our team loaded into the back of a military jeep and began our journey through Freetown toward Kroo Bay, the poorest slum area in all of Sierra Leone.

The Kroo Bay community is home to approximately 10,000 people – men, women and children living in small shanties or huts made of corroded zinc, corrugated sheet, cardboard or tarps salvaged from the local town dump, Burmi, which sits adjacent to Kroo Bay. This overcrowded, pig-infested slum area borders the ocean and was originally settled by the Kroo ethnic group, fishermen, building sheds to live in as they fished along the ocean. The community has little-to-no infrastructure such as pipe-borne water, education, available medical, a road network or improved housing.

The population of Kroo Bay swelled rapidly during the civil war as rural Sierra Leoneans fled their homes to escape the brutality and terror of the war. Arriving in Freetown, without jobs, money or relatives to take them in, they settled in Kroo Bay. The rapid overcrowding of the area combined with it’s location near the ocean would combine to create one of our world’s poorest communities and most dangerous living environments. The land that Kroo Bay sits on is a natural flood zone for the rising waters of the ocean as well as the water draining from Freetown’s mountainous area during heavy rains – a recipe for heartbreak and disaster for it’s 10,000+ residents. Each year thousands of people are left without homes, children die and education ceases as heavy rains bring flooding to Kroo Bay. Less than two months prior to our visit, heavy rains destroyed a large portion of Kroo Bay and washed away two of its children in their torrents.

As our jeep drove through the crowded streets of Freetown toward Kroo Bay, I couldn’t help but to notice how the state of poverty seemed to become progressively worse. The closer we came to Kroo Bay the more densely populated the streets seemed; men, women and children gathered in small make-shift homes/storefronts eating their morning meals and watching us pass with curious stares.

The rain water that washes down from Freetown into the Kroo Bay area not only floods the area, it also brings with it tons and tons of trash. Without an adequate sewage system or infrastructure, the residents of Kroo Bay are left to use the trash-filled water to drink, bathe, wash clothes, dispose of dead animals, serve as a toilet and much more. Throughout this day, I would witness each and every one of these taking place in this disease infested water. In addition to its human population, Kroo Bay is also home to hundreds and hundreds of pigs who also use the water for food, toilet, and more.

We arrived on a very crowded street that cut its way through hundreds upon hundreds of tin roofed shanties. I had heard the phrase “shanty town” before, and if I’d ever thought that I had seen one before, I was very wrong. As I stepped out of the jeep I saw tin roofs as far as my eye could see and knew, at once, that we’d arrived in the heart of Kroo Bay. The street was filled with people selling their wares, a shanty town marketplace. We were greeted by a man that I would later learn was a member of the Kroo Bay council; he led us off the street to a narrow passage way through the shanties.

As we began to navigate the mud paths, I looked around to see children running through the mud, many of them in only underwear or completely naked, most of them without shoes. Women, young girls walking with trays of dirty laundry, food, items for sale and other items on their head - many of them without shoes as well.

The alleyways we were navigating were barely wide enough for one person so we formed a single-file line making our way through Kroo Bay to Joan’s school, Sandra Hairston Literacy Center. We arrived at a wooden platform that is built up over the mud streets and winds its way through the shanties toward the river much like a sidewalk, and wide enough for one person. We were continuously turning to walk sideways so that others could pass in the opposite direction.

One of the first things I experienced as we entered Kroo Bay was the smell; and, I soon discovered its source - due to the lack of basic sewage infrastructure, the ‘mud’ covering Kroo Bay is a mixture of wet dirt and raw sewage, an unpleasant odor that penetrates deep into your senses. The smell was far more disturbing than just the discomfort I experienced in my senses; my entire being experienced heartache at the realization that while this was merely momentary in my life, it was daily in the precious people’s lives that surrounded me.

I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I understood what it means for your soul to grieve; the very core of my being was shaken in a way that I’ve never experienced before. No one should live in conditions like this; I simply couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea of not just 1, not just 2, but 10,000+ men, women and children call this place home. As I walked through Kroo Bay on this day and met the people, had the humbling experience of being invited into their homes and became the benefeciary of too many children’s smiles to count, I was overwhelmed with gratitude to God for having allowed me to be here… finding hope in misery and happiness amid poverty like I had never before witnessed. The tears I shed as I write this are, even now, fresh with heart-break and hope.

Thank you, my readers, for bearing with me as I find the words to tell you the story of this incredible day, more to come in Part 2….

Transformed by the journey,

Pam Parish

Read my journey from the beginning:

We Must Stop Modern Day Slavery!!

Posted on 10 December 2008 | Comments (0)
Tags: Christianity, Church Marketing, Inspiration

I recently returned from a trip to Sierra Leone where, for the first time in my life, I came face to face with true poverty. My experience in Sierra Leone changed me forever; in ways that I may not fully know this side of eternity. One major way that my experience changed me was by teaching me that the tragedies happening around the globe that I read about in newspapers or see on television are happening to real people - just like me. To see their faces up close, to touch their hands and to be the beneficiary of their smiles was a humbling experience.

After returning from Sierra Leone, I had the privilege of beginning a new project for our church’s upcoming Christmas Gift to the World offering. This year we had decided to focus on the issue of modern day slavery and child sexual exploitation in our city, Atlanta. This was one of those problems that I had heard about, but hadn’t really sat down to research for myself. As I sat at the table with Not for Sale, Innocence Atlanta, Wellspring Living and several of our Pastoral team, I was completely blown away by the reality of the situation. Being so fresh from Sierra Leone, the problem hit me really hard because I was walking in a fresh realization that these are real people effected by this tragedy.

The statistics are staggering - 27 million people globally are held in some form of bondage; 14,000 - 17,500 people per year are trafficked into the United States which builds up a statistic of 200,000 to 400,000 people enslaved in the U.S. at any given time, 80% of those are women / 50% are children - many are girls ages 14 -18, over 250 children each month are trafficked in the metro Atlanta area.

We must do something. Watch the video below and visit the Victory World Church website if you’d like to help.

#29 in 100 Things to Be Thankful For

Posted on 04 December 2008 | Comments (0)
Tags: Thankfulness Journey

Check out the rest of my thankfulness journey here.

#29: Vendors who not only provide a service but are a true extension of the team. Our team just received a beautiful holiday wreath made of real greenery which smells wonderful and looks fantastic. The beautiful gift was courtesy of our printer Accent Graphics. Over the years of working with them, Roy and his team have never failed to deliver what we needed, when we needed it, no matter how late we ask for it (I’m serious). Roy, thank you very much for the kind gift and for always going above and beyond for VWC. We love and appreciate you and your entire team tremendously.

Appreciating Great Relationships!
~Pam

Top 10 Rules of Parenting

Posted on 01 December 2008 | Comments (0)
Tags: Parenting

We certainly aren’t perfect parents and have made our share of mistakes as we’ve “learned on our feet” - but we place an extremely high value on our daughters and nothing is more deserving of our time and effort than seeing them become the women that God has created them to be.

As we’ve participated in various parenting support groups and training, we’ve often been surprised at the number of parents who are at their wits end with parenting. I know a lot of parents who are great individuals and love their children dearly, they are just simply at a loss when it comes to actually parenting them.

Like us, our daughters certainly aren’t perfect and they do make their fair share of mistakes, but overall they are great girls who see the value in themselves and others. Here are just a few of our parenting values, “rules” if you will, that we are consistent in following:

Love Comes First & Second

In order for any parenting “rule” to work consistently, your children must know first and foremost that you love them unconditionally. We tell our girls that we love them multiple times everyday. However, it’s more than just the simple words “I love you” - we also have to understand who they are as individuals and what their love languages are so that we can also show them how much we love them in the way they receive love. For instance, Kelsey’s love language is quality time, Kristan’s love language is words of affirmation and Heather’s is touch - so we have to show our love for each of them in different ways. For Kelsey, it’s spending time with her and listening to her as she talks about things in her life, for Kristan, it’s telling her she did a good job on something (you should see her face glow) and for Heather it’s lots of hugs and kisses, she loves being close to us. We are intentional in loving our daughters and they know that no matter what they do we will never stop loving them - ever. We’ve seen lots of parents use love as a tool in their parenting, giving it or taking it away based on the child’s behavior. Our children need a foundation of unchanging love to properly grow into the men and women God designed them to be. God doesn’t remove his love from us when we misbehave (and we all do) - so why would we do that to our children?

Love is definitely first in everything we do. And, it’s also second. We’ll talk more about discipline in some of our other rules, but - as it relates to love - we have a rule. After discipline, love is always next. It is extremely important that our daughters know that we love them, even after they’ve just screwed up. We always go back and reaffirm our love for them and the value we find in them after we’ve disciplined them. Many times we begin our correction with statements of love and end with statements of love. Yes, it’s that important.

We Aren’t Parenting Children

This is a major paradigm shift for many parents, but it’s critical. Even though our daughters are 12 to 16, we aren’t parenting teens. Our daughters are teens and we have to adjust our parenting style to recognize their growing independence and need for new freedoms, but it’s not the teen that we’re parenting - it’s the women that they’re growing into. We tell our girls all the time, “We aren’t parenting the 12, 13, 16 year-old that you are right now, we’re parenting the adult that you are one day going to be.” When you see it this way, it changes how you view the importance of what you’re doing today. By viewing our parenting as molding adults, we don’t tolerate or accept a lot of the behaviors that are often associated with “that’s just how pre-teens… teens… etc..” are. If our daughters have a problem with lying, we address it quickly, because I’d rather deal with it now than ignore it or accept it and let them grow up with a problem that hinders their lives as adults. If they have an issue with respect, we ask them, “When you’re an adult, do you think your husband or boss will accept disrespect? or do you think it might cost you your marriage or your job?” You see, it’s critically important that we think about the adults that they will one day become because I don’t want to wake up one day and the opportunities to help them craft their futures are behind us. They have tremendous potential - it’s our job to help them understand that and be the best individuals that they can be.

Value vs. Behavior and Behavior = Consequences

This is a biggie for us. As parents, it is extremely important that we learn to separate the value of our children as individuals from their behavior. We view our daughters as important, valuable individuals with great gifts that God has placed in their lives so that they can make a difference for others - we try to always see them as God sees them. This view is especially important when it comes to behavior. I’ve said before that they’re not perfect and, believe me, they do misbehave and break the rules. We just make sure that we separate the bad behavior from the good child - we even make it a point to say, “You’re not a bad girl, but your actions/behavior in this instance was bad, and that is what we’re going to talk about.” Intentionally separating the behavior from the person helps them maintain their dignity and value as a person and focus solely on the choices that they made that got them into their current situation.

When it comes to bad behavior, we have a very low tolerance level. While we base everything on the same mercy and grace that Christ shows toward us, we’re also very quick to address behavior issues. If it’s a first time offense we will talk with them about the behavior and give them clear direction on how we would have expected them to behave/respond, then we let them know that the next time this behavior occurs, there will be consequences. After that, we follow the rule that ‘behavior = consequences.’ In our house consequences range anywhere from spankings (our girls are getting too old for this one, but it’s quite effective on younger children) to grounding. We’ve even been known to completely empty one of our daughter’s rooms (seriously, down to white sheets and blankets on the bed) to address behavior. (Eventually the items were given back, but it took a while.) The reason this is so important is that it provides our girls with consistent accountability. As we’ve already discussed, our girls know that we love them unconditionally and we know they are going to screw up. They also know that it’s our jobs as parents to discipline them fairly and appropriately so that we can help them overcome the behaviors that would hinder them later in life. No, they don’t like consequences, but they understand it. So, in that respect, we’re all on the same page.

Keep Our Word (Do What We Say, When We Say It)

o.k., I saved this one to the middle of the list, because really - it’s my biggest pet peeve. I absolutely want to scream when I see parents saying things like, “If you do that one more time, I’m gonna….”, “We’ll leave if you keep this up…..”, “You’re about to get it big trouble….” and then not following through with their words and, instead, continuing to issue the same warning multiple times. What on earth? This only teaches our kids that we don’t do what we say and that they can ignore us without consequence. Not only that, but it then drives us to a place of complete and utter frustration where, finally, we get so fed up with the behavior that we lash out in anger and frustration causing even more damage to our kids. They see us as unpredictable time-bombs and are completely at a loss on how to gauge their behavior around us.

When we teach our kids to ignore our instructions, we fail as parents in giving them a measuring stick by which to moderate their behavior. This rule is a simple one for us, if we say we’re going to do it - we do it. Both of our girls know that if we say, “If you _______ then _______” we will absolutely follow through on our words. This teaches them to obey instantly without question and it also gives them a safe measure for how far they can go. By being predictable, we give them the ability to make fully informed choices on their own behavior. Because they know that we will follow through, they also know that if they choose to continue with the behavior, they are choosing the consequence too. This puts the proverbial “monkey” on their back and not on ours to decide when we’re just fed up. It also helps keep us out of the place of anger because we don’t allow ourselves to get pushed that far.

WARNING: This rule is tough on parents too. Steve and I have to be constantly aware of our words, because we know that if we say it, we have to do it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve issued a warning with a consequence that really was just too stiff for the “crime” but had to stick with it because I’d said it. Occasionally, if we do this, we’ll tell the girls that we’ve decided that there is still a consequence for their behavior, but that we realize the one we stated is a bit too tough. You just don’t want to make this a habit - so you must weigh your words before you say them - being careful not to mouth off in haste. Yes, mom & dad, we still mouth off too.

Model What We Teach

This one is easy to say but harder to do. As parents, if we’re teaching our children the values of being honest, respecting others, obeying authority, having a relationship with God, etc.. we must be willing to model those same values in our own lives. This is in both big and small ways, because whether you realize it or not, your children are watching your actions more than they’re listening to your words. Be prepared, you will be tested in front of your children, and they will notice if you fail to follow your own rules. You can do it - practice what you preach!!! Your children will have a much greater respect for your rules when they see that not only do you, as an adult, still have to follow them, but that you actually do! As an added benefit, they’ll respect you more too!

Talk, Talk, Talk

Alright, I have girls, so I know this is probably a bigger issue for us than if we had boys. However, no matter the gender of your children, you must realize the importance of talking with them - about stuff that interests them. Do I really care what Zac Efron’s (that’s Troy Bolton in High School Musical for those uneducated of you out there) favorite fast food is? No, really, I don’t - but I know it’s Quiznos (he’s Heather’s dreamboat). You have to know what interests your kids and get interested too, if you don’t they’ll find friends who are and you can’t always guarantee that it would be friends you’d approve of.

But it’s not just the small stuff that you have to talk with them about. It’s the big stuff too. Our girls talk to us about sex, boys, friendships, fights, struggles in their relationship with God, when they hurt, when their confused and when they just simply want to rattle on-and-on-and-on-and-on about their day. No subject is off limits in our house (and believe me sometimes they shock us), if they’re coming to us for advice, we’re all ears and we want to help them because we want them to know the truth from a place of wisdom and love. Moms of daughters, when’s the last time you curled up in bed beside your daughter and just said, “Wazz up?” - try it sometimes, they love it. (by the way, Heather made me change ‘What’s up’ to ‘Wazz up’ because she said I wasn’t being cool…hmmm…need to work oh my ‘cool factor’, I guess.)

The Word is Our Bond

This is a bit of a twist on the saying, “Let your word be your bond” - we believe that The Word is our bond as a family. It’s the Word of God that binds us together, keeps us whole and complete. We have a love for God’s Word, we study it, we pray it, we journal about it, we read it at the dinner table. Every single problem that we might encounter with our kids is already addressed in the Word…. selfishness, deception, disrespect, obeying authority, putting others first, loving unconditionally, sexual desire, protecting yourself from sinful influences…. yep, it’s all there. In parenting, the Word truly is your sword and your shield, we couldn’t do it without it. Don’t be afraid to read the Bible out loud, together as a family…. then talk about what you’ve read. You’ll be surprised at the topics that come up and the struggles that you reveal and have a chance to discuss. Nothing digs deeper into our souls than the Word of God - help your children learn it, live it and love it. That’s your primary job.

Respect & Honor Required

We live in a society that doesn’t value honor or respect. We work hard to teach our children to respect themselves and others. One simple rule we have in our home is that our children are not allowed to address adults by their first names. They have been taught to call adults Mr. & Ms. (last name or first name), or by their family/familiar name (i.e. Pastor, Aunt, Uncle, Papaw, Mamaw, etc.). It’s a simple rule that has a profound impact not only on the way our girls show respect to their elders, but also in the respect they receive in return. You’d be amazed at how many people think extremely highly of our daughters, simply because they addressed them by Mr. or Ms. - from that point on most adults usually see our girls as respectful, well-behaved young ladies. You see, we’re teaching our girls that when you give respect and honor, you usually get it in return. Here are a few sub-rules as it relates to respect and honor:

Treat every person with kindness and respect no matter their age, social status or race
Always show respect to those who are older and wiser than you are
Honor those in authority around you
Obedience is a show of respect and honor, be quick to obey

Provide Opportunities for Growth

It’s important that we as parents realize our children’s need to gain independence and freedom from us as they get older. It’s our job to help make sure that the independence and freedoms they’re gaining are safe, appropriate, fun and provide opportunity for growth in their lives. I recently blogged about my daughters attending their first youth all-nighter and how much it ultimately changed their lives. We’ve Kristan travel to England & Scotland as a People to People Student Ambassador, she was gone for 3 weeks when she was 9 years old, but in both cases the experiences enriched their lives, helped them to mature and provided opportunities for them to find out for themselves what they’re made of. Yes, it’s sometimes hard. But, I’d rather them experience a bit of life while they still have our safe, loving arms and home to run to when it’s over. Will there ever be an experience that turns out bad? Yes, I’m sure. But, we’ll handle it together and, in the end, you grow from those as well, don’t you?

Have Fun Together!

Find plenty of time just to laugh, have fun and enjoy one another’s company. You never know what tomorrow holds so don’t miss today’s chances. It’ll keep you young too!

Remember that, when it comes to parenting our children, we get back what we train up and when we expect bad, bad is what we get - but when we expect good, good will be our reward.

Here are some phrases that you’ll hear often around our house:

“I love you”
“God has big plans for your life.”
“You are better than the behavior you just exhibited”
“What do you think about…..”
“You’re doing a great job”
“Thank You”
“I’m sorry, will you forgive me?”
“We’re not giving up on you, ever.”

Our kids are blessings from God that are given to enhance our lives, teach us to be better individuals ourselves and help us understand how God feels when He’s parenting us :-) enjoy every minute.

Praying I get it right,
~Pam